Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
