I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
