I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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