I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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