I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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