If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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