thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
