Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
