He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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