woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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