you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
