i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
