You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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