was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
