remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
