he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
