Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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