i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
