The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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