Umm I'm too high to move.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
