I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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