handjob tips. give me some.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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