Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
