We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
