I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
