why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
