did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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