No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
