Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
