During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
