i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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