No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
