and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
