You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
