He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
