i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
