Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
