If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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