mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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