I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
