I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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