I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
