She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
