im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
