Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
