Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
