What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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