my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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