hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
