I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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