Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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