dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How naked do you want me to be?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
